Family Connection
Conversation Starters: Questions That Open a Door
A free resource from Sweetwater Groves Residential Assisted Living — Scottsdale, Arizona.
10–30 minutesLast updated 2026-07-29
Most conversations with someone who has dementia stall in the same place: a question that requires memory. "What did you do today?" "Did the nurse come?" "Do you remember Aunt Ruth?" Each one is a small test, and failing tests all afternoon is exhausting for anyone.
The fix is smaller than it looks. Ask about feeling, opinion, preference, and the distant past instead of recent facts — and the same person who had nothing to say five minutes ago may talk for twenty minutes.
Below are questions that cannot be failed, and a short list of what to say when the conversation goes somewhere painful.
There is a free printable sheet at the bottom of this page — no signup, nothing to buy.
Jump to the printableThe rule: opinion over recall
Anything answerable with a feeling, a preference, or a story is safe. Anything requiring a date, a name, or an event from this week is a test.
- •Instead of "what did you have for lunch?" — "what's your favorite thing to eat?"
- •Instead of "do you remember Aunt Ruth?" — "tell me about your sisters."
- •Instead of "when did you move here?" — "what was that first winter like?"
- •Instead of "who came to see you?" — "what makes a good visit?"
Fifty questions that can't be failed
- •What was the first car you ever owned?
- •What did your mother cook that nobody else could?
- •What did your father do for work?
- •What was your street like when you were a boy?
- •Who was your best friend growing up?
- •What did you want to be when you were young?
- •What was your first job?
- •What did you wear to your wedding?
- •How did you meet?
- •What music did you dance to?
- •What was your favorite time of day?
- •What's the best advice anyone gave you?
- •What are you good at?
- •What did your children do that made you laugh?
- •Cats or dogs?
- •Ocean or mountains?
- •What's a perfect Sunday?
- •What smells good to you?
- •What was your favorite holiday?
- •What did Christmas morning look like?
- •Who made you laugh the most?
- •What was your first house like?
- •Did you have a garden?
- •What did you grow?
- •What was your favorite subject in school?
- •Were you a good student?
- •What was your teacher's name?
- •What did you do on a Friday night?
- •What did a dollar buy back then?
- •What was the hardest work you ever did?
- •What are you proudest of?
- •Who did you look up to?
- •What was your mother like?
- •What did she always say?
- •Coffee or tea?
- •What's your favorite color?
- •What do you think about that weather out there?
- •What makes a good neighbor?
- •What's the secret to a long marriage?
- •What do young people get wrong?
- •What do young people get right?
- •What should everybody learn to do?
- •Where would you go if you could go anywhere?
- •What's the prettiest place you've ever been?
- •What did you like about that job?
- •What song do you know all the words to?
- •What did your house smell like on a Sunday?
- •What's worth worrying about?
- •What's not worth worrying about?
- •What would you tell yourself at twenty?
When the conversation goes somewhere hard
Sooner or later, a conversation will land on a spouse who has died, a home that has been sold, or a child who never comes. There is a gentler path than truth-telling and a kinder one than lying.
- •Meet the feeling: "You miss him. He was a good man, wasn't he?"
- •Ask about the person rather than their absence: "Tell me about Dad."
- •Do not repeatedly deliver news of a death — many families find each retelling is a fresh grief
- •Redirect gently after the feeling has been honored, not before
- •It is not lying to leave a painful fact unsaid. It is choosing comfort over correctness.
Arizona questions for long-time Valley residents
- •What was Scottsdale like when you got here?
- •What was the drive out west like?
- •How did you handle the summers before everything was air-conditioned?
- •Did you ever go to spring training? Who did you follow?
- •What did you grow in the yard — citrus, roses, a garden?
- •Do you remember the first monsoon you ever saw?
- •Did you ever go up to Flagstaff or the Rim to get out of the heat?
- •What did Old Town look like back then?
More for Valley families: memory care in Scottsdale, memory support in a residential home, and assisted living near Paradise Valley.
Scottsdale, AZ
Free printable
Conversation Card Deck
Conversation Card Deck
Print, cut along the lines, and keep the cards in a pocket or a jar. Pull one out when the room goes quiet — there is no order and no wrong card.
The early years
- What was the first car you ever owned?
- What was your street like as a child?
- Who was your best friend growing up?
- What did your mother cook best?
- What was your first job?
Love and family
- How did you two meet?
- What did you wear to your wedding?
- What music did you dance to?
- What made your children laugh?
- What's the secret to a long marriage?
Opinions (always safe)
- Cats or dogs? Coffee or tea?
- Ocean or mountains?
- What makes a good neighbor?
- What's not worth worrying about?
- What should everybody learn to do?
Arizona
- What was Scottsdale like when you got here?
- What was the drive out west like?
- How did you handle the summers?
- Do you remember your first monsoon?
When it turns painful
- Meet the feeling first.
- "You miss him. He was a good man."
- "Tell me about Dad."
- Don't re-deliver hard news.
- Comfort over correctness.
Free printable worksheets
Sheets that go with this activity
Each one is tagged by stage, so you can pick the version that fits where your loved one is today. Large print, thick outlines, answer key on its own page.